1.4.09

Eliza Asked for it

COUSINS + SUBWAY = SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS

A Play by Barret Lybbert

 

The opening part happens outside Daniel and Eliza’s School. They are waiting for Marion to pick them up to take them to lunch. They get in the car and decide which Subway to go to. When they get there the rest of the dialogue happens while they wait in line to order their sandwiches.

 

 

[Daniel] (on the phone) where are you cousin?

 

[Eliza] Is she coming?

 

[Marion] (on the phone) I’m real close.

 

[Daniel] (on the phone) Like are you passed Ruth’s house?

 

[Marion] (on the phone) Ruth?

 

[Daniel] (on the phone) Yes. Ruth Goliher… teaches seminary… has had the same haircut for her entire life… I sometimes wonder if she was born with that hairdo.

 

[Marion] (on the phone)… I don’t know where she even lives… but it doesn’t matter cause I’m coming up the hill right now.

 

[Daniel] (on the phone) schweet.

 

[Eliza] Where is she?

 

[Daniel] Coming up the hill.

 

[Eliza] Righteous… haha. That sounded funny. I think I will start saying that from now on. Righteous.

 

[Daniel] you’re so weird.

 

Marion pulls up Ben Folds’s trusted is blaring. This happens to be Marion, Barret and Eliza’s favorite song. When they get in the car it also happens to be their favorite part of the song.

They all sing at the top of their lungs.

 

“The sun’s coming up, she’s pulled all the blankets over, curled in a ball, like she’s hiding from me yeah. That’s when I know she’s gonna be pissed at me when she wakes up. For terrible things I did to her in her dreams.”

 

Then they laugh. And Marion turns the music down.

 

[Marion] which of the 3 Subways will we be patroning today?

 

[Eliza] Patroning?

 

[Marion] Yes. Patroning. I don’t know if that’s a word, but it does get the message across doesn’t it?

 

Laughing.

 

[Daniel] Lets go to the one by the “Curtis” 7-11…. Because hopefully we will get very ghetto people working there. And the people who manage the other subways are always fighting over the prices on the deals and…

 

[Eliza] they always end up cheating you out of what you thought was a deal.

 

[Marion] besides the “Curtis 7-11” subway doesn’t ration their napkins like the rest of the subways do.

 

[Eliza] Yeah I have noticed that. When you go to subway you only get one napkin. It does not matter what you order. The footlongs get the same privileges as the 6 inchers.

 

[Daniel] I don’t know why they do this. I mean clearly subway is doing well financially and if they are trying to save money by rationing the napkins I bet there are better ways to save money.

 

[Daniel] Oh wait Marion before I forget you need to call the school and excuse us for a “family emergency”. Your mom… Val Dyer is my emergency contact. So call pretending to be her and leave YOUR cell phone number… and just change your phone message to the kind where it just says hello you have reached two-five-three  three-zero-seven  five-five-one-eight please leave a message after the tone. And the Attendance Lady won’t know that its not your mom.

 

[Eliza] I don’t know if your mom is my contact, but just call anyways. I think the attendance lady knows that me and Barret are cousins. SO if their “aunt” calls it should sound legit.

 

[Marion] Okay. I call now.

 

[Daniel] (turns to Eliza who is sitting in the back) My mom just text me. She says what time is water polo going to be over after school?

 

[Eliza] Your mom texts?

 

[Daniel] yeah but remember my mom likes trying to be “hip” even though she is hands down the worlds worst texter.

 

[Eliza] Ha. I don’t think my mom would even know how.

 

[Marion] (having finished calling the school) what? What are we talking about? Hey I have a game. Eliza I dare you to let a friend predict your future.

 

[Eliza] Okay. Daniel predict my future.

 

[Daniel] I predict that after this subway sandwich you will be inspired to become a representative for the county health department. The rest of your life will be devoted to closing down restaurants, pools and public bathrooms because of the unsanitary conditions in which you find them. After serving the county for 2 years 4 days 0 hours 6 minutes and 1 second you will become disillusioned and realize that your true passion is for tic-tacs and you will go to work in a candy factory inventing new flavors of tic-tacs. After only 8 years on the job you will realize that you have become an unwed old maid and will comfort yourself with chocolate ice cream by the gallons. You will wither away in your lonely misery until you see a T.V. commercial for Miss Cleo’s Psychic Hotline you call the 1-800 number on the bottom of your screen and chat with Miss Cleo for about 4 hours. She helps you realize that your destiny is to – (he stops suddenly and looks around the car)

 

(At this point Daniel notices that Marion and Eliza have left the car and are in the Subway in line getting ready to order their sandwiches)

 

Marion and Eliza are talking.

 

Daniel enters. Complaining that they left him in the car and he had no idea that they left him.

 

[Eliza] We thought you would have realized a little bit sooner that we were not listening to you.

 

[Marion] Daniel seriously you took that game WAY too far.

 

Daniel has in this time completely forgotten that they left him in the car and begins explaining a thought he just gets.

 

[Daniel] Hey you know what I love.

 

[Marion] What?

 

[Eliza] Tell me.

 

[Daniel] When I am reading like an email or facebook or something and someone writes a word in all caps. First of all I sort of read aloud to myself anyways, but when someone types in all caps I just read it as if it was being shouted to me…. Like if someone types did you SEE the office this week Dwight is so FUNNY! (see and funny are shouted awkwardly)

 

Marion and Eliza are laughing.

 

[Daniel] continues Or I love it when people type their laughing and they put a bunch of Hs at the end so it’s like hahahahaahahahhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. (exaggerate the h sound at the end.)

 

[Daniel] Did you guys know that we are related to a witch?

 

[Eliza] what?

 

[Marion] Yeah my dad showed me this thing on Wikipedia. Mary Dyer is a witch. She was drowned or burned or something at the Salem witch massacre….. I mean Salem witch trials.

 

[Daniel] that’s crazy. So I bet we have mystical powers. I always knew I had mind control.

 

[Marion] (ignores Daniel) I guess she gave birth to a hairy beast child with claws. So they thought she was a witch.

 

[Eliza] Darla.

 

[Marion] TJ!

 

[Daniel] That’s not Nancy. Didn’t that look like Nancy. That’s not Nancy.

 

Laughing.

 

[Marion] We need to watch Ellen soon. And Just friends.

 

[Daniel] and we need to go coning.

 

[Eliza] And roofing.

 

[Marion] And water ballooning.

 

[Daniel] And banks-laking. Remember how we went to Banks Lake this year and we basically do nothing and we actually made money by going on vacation because everyone thought we were babysitting

 

[Marion] but really we were just playing and eating puddings with mountains of whipped cream.

 

[Daniel] and I had to make like 7 for everyone. And Keith puts literally almost an entire container on his.

 

 [Eliza] and when you guys were throwing grapes at me while I was knee boarding. That was so funny.

 

[Marion] Eliza you are awful.

 

[Eliza] sure.

 

[Marion] no. you are awful. As in full of Awe.

 

[Eliza] at what?

 

[Marion] I don’t know you are just full of it.

 

[Daniel] So I think that as soon as the opportunity presents itself I am going to buy myself a Dachshund and name her Mattress like I was supposed to name my dog.

 

[Marion] (talking to Eliza) I was just pondering your name sake; Lady Peekaboo Jane And I wondered if you are offended that she is a Lady and you are not? Also, how do you become a Lady? Do you have to be knighted like Sir Elton John?

 

Eliza and Daniel Laughing

 

[Eliza] well I’m not really offended because Lady Jane doesn’t realize that I am queen! Or princess because I’m not really married… but heir to the throne… so I’m a future queen. Ask anyone.

 

[Daniel] Marion remember when you worked at Cold Stone.

 

[Marion] why yes I did work at that fine establishment.

 

[Daniel] the end. P.S. I love Cold Stone.

 

[Marion] I think the best part is that we always order the same thing.

 

[Daniel] Remember how you used to work at Blockbuster. With Mike and Tom… actually you worked with two Toms.

 

[Marion] Two?

 

[Daniel] Yeah. Two. Tom the creepy old man who still works there and Tom Hidel…. Wait that’s not right his name is Tony. Never mind you just work there with One Tom. But Tony Hidel is cool. I saw the cops picking him up from school one time. He had to ride in the back. I think he might have been getting arrested.

 

[Eliza] did you guys know that Tacoma is the most dangerous city in Washington?

 

[Daniel] well of course we have hilltop and also we provided the DC sniper. Malvo is from hilltop just blocks from the hospital where I got borned.

 

[Marion] back to Blockbuster At least I didn’t work at Hollywood Video. That is the chuinty videostore.

 

[Daniel] Chuinty? That is not a word?

 

[Marion] It means like cheep, nasty, less desirable like unto Wal-Mart and Fred Meyers. Wal-Mart is chuinty. Or Daniel’s sweater is chuinty. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing, but in the case of Blockbuster vs. Hollywood Video… then it proves that Blockbuster is better.

 

[Eliza] well I think that word is weird. But knowing Daniel you will start using it all the time now.

 

[Daniel] whatever.

 

[Marion] (to Eliza) I dare you to call your crush and tell them that you like them.

 

[Eliza] (sarcastically pretending to be nervous) grabs her phone and starts to dial her phone.

 

Marion’s phone starts to ring.

 

[Marion] (looks at her phone and laughs realizing that Eliza called her. Now speaking into the phone) Hello?

 

[Eliza] I like you. Because you are AWE-full. (in a creepy stalker voice)

 

[Daniel] Remember how when I came home from my EFY/Idaho road trip and me and Kevin and Michael brought bunnies home. And Marion got jealous so we had to spend an entire day looking for a bunny for her, but we never found one except from the ghetto chuinty pet store at the B and I. But Marion wouldn’t buy it from there because of how nasty B and I is.

 

[Eliza] HA. I knew you would start saying chuinty now. HA.

 

[Marion] And remember why we named it d’Theo.

 

[Daniel] Duh. Mine was named Montana cause that’s were I bought her. Remember your old black bunny, Cliff.

 

[Eliza] and you named him Cliff after Cliff Huckstable from the Cosby Show because he was black.

 

[Daniel] but Cliff ran away.  And the new bunny was going to be named Denise or Sondra because yours was a light brown bunny and those are the “lighter brown” Huckstables. Haha.

 

[Eliza] but then you found out it was a boy so you HAD to name it Theo.

 

[Marion] yes but then we heard that kid that couldn’t say his THs correctly and he always put a d before the TH so we named the bunny d’Theo.

 

Laughing is occurring so hard at this point that the lines happening before this take a while to be said completely. 

 

[Marion] Okay. I have a dance move for you. Try to draw a star with your hips. Practice because its hard and that will be our new favorite move.

 

[Daniel] Besides “THE BUCKY”

 

[Marion] Of course.

 

They all start trying to do “THE BUCKY” and move their hips in the shape of a star. “The BUCKY” is where to the beat of the music you move your head from left to right with three “hits” where you hold your head in position for a beat. (left, straight ahead and then to the right.) And you do that for the whole song.

 

[Daniel] Okay. Can I get a WHOO JAMIE for that one.

 

[Marion and Eliza] WHOOOOO JAMIE!

 

[All] laughing

 

[Daniel] I think that yell should be used more often like by hunters when they shoot something. They should shout WHOO JAMIE!

 

[Eliza] can you picture Dead Eye doing that?

 

[Marion] haha. Seeing grandpa yelling anything besides Rackie when he wants grandma’s attention would be really funny. Especially if he yelled Whoo Jamie.

 

[Daniel] How did grandpa get that name?

 

[Marion] when he goes hunting with my dad and my brothers he is the only one who ever gets anything. So they call him Dead Eye Dick.

 

[Daniel] I like that story….. mmmm Subway cookies.

 

[Marion] I am so glad that you can get 3 for a dollar. I love subway cookies.

 

[Eliza] I like the sugar ones the best.

 

[Subway Worker] What sandwich would you like?

 

[Daniel] I want a foot long on Honey Oat. Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki with American cheese and Toasted please.

 

[Eliza] hey that’s what I was gonna order, but a six inch.

 

[Marion] Oh really, I ALWAYS order a foot long Turkey on Italian herbs and Cheese with American. 

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